In an interview with Coaching ASS Magazine I was asked how the experience of being a father to a son with Down syndrome has changed my view of leadership. In truth, I have learned a great deal from my son over the years that translates directly to leading people.
My son learns differently, responds differently, needs different conditions than I do. What works for other children often doesn’t work for him.
What This Has to Do With Leadership
At the time I was working as an IT project manager in an international corporation. A job with responsibility, pace, and the unspoken demand to deliver results no matter what. My understanding of leadership was what many recognise as normal: set clear goals, demand performance, correct deviations. Those who don’t deliver get more pressure.
That didn’t work with my son. I couldn’t demand, couldn’t correct, couldn’t increase pressure. I had to understand how he ticks. What does he need right now, what frightens him, what gets him into conversation? When I knew this and acted accordingly, movement emerged. The conditions were right, and the rest followed.
At some point I sat there in the evening thinking: this applies to every person. Everyone does as well as they can, given their experiences, their convictions, their resources in that moment. That sounds simple, and the consequence is radical.
What This Insight Means for Leadership
If every person does as well as they can, then the question changes: what are they missing to be able to do better? And even more profoundly: what am I doing as a leader that is getting in their way?
This shift is not comfortable. It means that as a leader I share responsibility — for the results and for the conditions under which my team works, for the atmosphere, for trust, for what someone says when they feel unsure.
Pressure Creates Counter-Pressure, Even in the Office
In physics this is a law. In everyday leadership it is ignored daily. I’ve experienced it myself: the more pressure I experienced or exerted in teams, the more energy was used for self-protection — for looking good outwardly, for covering yourself, for avoiding visibility. Creativity, genuine engagement, bold ideas emerge when people feel safe enough to show themselves.
My son showed me this in his own way, without words but unmistakably. I had to learn to understand before I could lead.
Leading Means: Understanding How the Other Person Ticks
This is my central understanding of leadership today: the willingness to perceive the other person — with their strengths, their patterns, their needs. An attitude of curiosity and understanding that emerges when you stop trying to exert control over people.
This presupposes that I know myself — my own patterns, my triggers, my blind spots. Because those who don’t know themselves project. Those under stress transfer it. Those who fear loss of control create precisely the climate they fear.
Personality work is therefore not a nice optional extra for leaders. It is the foundation. Without self-knowledge, leadership remains a repetition of patterns that were once stored as working.
What I Do Differently Today
I ask more and explain less. I look before I react. And I have remained curious — about people, about what moves them, about the question of what someone needs to give their best.
My son didn’t teach me this because I had asked him to. He showed me, because I had no other choice but to look. Sometimes that is exactly what it takes: a situation that forces us to let go of old certainties.
When I work with leaders today, I often recognise the same pattern: great competency, great experience — and at the same time leadership behaviour running on autopilot. Not malicious or negligent, simply never questioned. The question „How do I actually lead, and why?“ is one most have never seriously asked themselves.
Perhaps it doesn’t always take a situation that turns everything upside down. Sometimes the decision to look more carefully is enough — at others, and first at yourself.
Read the interview in Coaching Magazine
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